Tuesday, May 29

Dream holiday!

God I want to spend time here.

And sit in this exact deck chair.

And paddle under this tree.

Sunday, May 27

Typical Night in the Life Of Me...

I feel very Zen this morning.
Very calm and surreal.
Reckon NML will have the baby today.

Although my return key obviously has something stuck under it and is odd to press which might make me lose this feeling rapidly!

I had a good nights sex. Maybe that helped as due to illness it's been awhile.
I had an amazing dream which I feel sure I could develop into a novel somehow. I was a man (i know pass?) and amongst other things I was running about with a woman and a small kid. All of us ferral because it was set in the future and we were free. I was one of a rare genetic throwback who could inuitively read, and therefore after pilferring reports and books from a sort of dump next to a genetic research facility (with stray mutated dogs bred for a purpose long since forgotton) I learned what had gone wrong with the human race. The boy with us was our guide. The girl.. fuck knows. Then as we were pilferring, a small girl escaped from the research facility and we all legged it. She went the wrong way through this maze of wire fences and into a mutant bat cage ( ??? ) and i was telling her to quietly walk round the other way. They were asleep see.. Ooo tension. Anyway she didnt make it as the facility tripped a loud alarm right before she got out. The bats went nuts (they were about four foot tall) and she was thrown down the side into a sort of concrete walled pit ( just like in Jurasic Park actually..). I was trying to help get her up. The fencing became electrified and several bats were barbecued. I drapped one of the prescious books over a low part of the fence and trying to stand on it with my shoes to push it down. In my dream it worked anyway. Then before she could climb over, these guards came out and she frantically gestured for me to leave. I followed my other two companions into the woods and left her just in time. I'm assuming to regroup for a rescue mission. Also one of the ferral dogs was friendly. Shaggy thing whose mouth opened up like the vampire dudes in Blade 3. It also had a reinforced head, and was meant for some long since abandoned purpose but as I found this out in my dream I knew the dog was for me or something. You know to conquor something later down the line.
Unless this is some movie that I'm remebering of course. If it's familiar let me know.

Ooo i've just realised some elements are related to Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen, which I just bought for my kids to watch.

Thursday, May 24

Defcon one!

Ok so i've been silly and bought a designer label (ringspun) pair of trousers off ebay.
This story can never have a happy ending! I'm betting a lot of girlies out there right now are nodding and going "uhuh you said it sista!" in supportive tones.
Well I loved the cargo pants. They were a size 14. And i took a chance.
Rule number one of trouser purchasing:
Never buy unless you try.
Trousers are just so unforgiving where sizes are concerned. One man's 14 is another man's 12 and vice versa. I had issues squeezing the zip up.
Quite apart from the fact that I looked like a dork.

Wednesday, May 23

Gotta Ask Yourself The Question... Where are you now?

I'm feeling glum today.
I shouldn't. I have everything in the world going for me right now. It's doing one of those palm of my hand jobbies. But I do.
Let me illustrate my levels of bleughness:

I just polished off a packet of 8 meringue nests and I ticked the Yes box whilst listening to James Blunt on Pandora.

Tuesday, May 22

Laminated !

Day two back at college.
I feel so much better than before. Rash is virtually non existant, unless i'm in a shower and then my legs do the mottled thang again. I've cut back on my meds enough to know what day it is, so that's a bonus.
We had someone from a local uni in today to give a presentation. It went down like a lead balloon. The guy was a miserable old fart. Apparently you have to have your sense of humour removed to be head of an Art and Design department. I did pick up some helpful hints portfolio wise and I'm more or less decided on the degree course I'll be doing, Visual Arts. After which i'd like to continue with an MA in Contemporary Fine Art. Get me and my Plan eh? These things are always fluid, but it's good to get a little focus back.
My mates and I have been discussing Laminated Lists together. As in the laminated list of five 'allowed shags' of famous people thing from Friends. The boyfriend's been alarmed lately by the length of mine and its ecclectic mix.
I've got...
Owen Wilson

Jonny Depp

Brian Blessed

John Cusack

These are my maybe's that jossle for bottom place:
Rolf Harris

Alan Titchmarsh

Matthew Broderick

Oh god and Paul Bettany... sigh

In fact scratch that.. pop Bettany at number one. Anyway, list wise I think i've got unusual taste but I bet i'm not the only girl who like to grasp Brian Blessed's beard as he loudly puffs pants and gruffs.

Monday, May 21

Gotta love it

Now I wouldn't say I've learned much in new art techniques by watching the following, but I've been damned entertained.


It's the best way I can describe it, but ceterizine anti-histamines make me feel stoned. Not in a nice way might i add.
That one vodka and orange that takes you to an unpleasent place but without the male groping. You know what I'm saying.
I find it hard to focus. To read. To function normally.
And yes drive.
Dont look at me that way.
It's like someone removed that thing in your ear that gives you balance.
I'm not tired no, not like Piriton tired. Just out of my tree. Great.
Slowly I'm improving though. Rash and swelling wise that is.

Alanis Morrisette is making a lot of sense. 2004 itunes Alanis with the commentary. That's a scary thing!

Saturday, May 19

Hospital Take Two..

Yep, on Friday I spent the day down the hospital again. I'm not responding to treatment although immunology came up with an interesting twist. Turns out that a certain type of acid found in pineapple juice is also present in asprin and ibuprophen. I took two of the latter late Thursday night because I had an odd fever. Also I was thinking. If the first glass of juice I had a week and a half ago was from the top of the packet, that would explain why I found it much more tolerable than the second fatal glass on Sunday that was mostly from the concentrate at the bottom of the settled packet.
Anyway... my meds have been upped, and I've been told that I will probably have to deal with this for weeks, if not months, to come, recurring in bouts of differring severity until my body finally settles.
This morning I was full of the allergy again. Face swollen. Limbs covered. Face covered.
Now, dosed up and half a day later, I look practically normal. Just a few mildly itching patches remain.
Its a nightmare.

And i didn't have a single visitor for either of my hospital stays. No get well cards. No flowers (not too arsed about that one, but still). You get the gist.
That sucks.
I had nothing to read, watch or do but contemplate and doze on the Wednesday. It wasn't pleasent. Although I was able to let the nurses know that the methadone lady with the very lurid purple skirt on and one shoe had picked up her bag and walked out. She still had her canula in her foot. She was also 25, but looked for all the world like she was 45. Say no to drugs kids. They make you look like fucking shit.
And of course the lack of anything meant I got to watch Old Geezer With The Longest Toenails Ever In Just An Open Backed Robe Who Likes To Wander A Lot and count the seconds between his toenail clattering. I wondered whether it marked some distant storm wailing far away.
On Friday I was left to wait for two hours before being seen on the EMU. There was more bloods, urine thingies, and a chest x-ray. I was sat next to a guy with a headache. He ate my sponge whilst I was down in x-ray even after I asked him to tell them to 'put it to one side for me'. The cock.
And so here I am again.
Hands red raw at the moment, but not from the rash. I've been cleaning my house top, to bottom trying to rid anything that might have caused this. I've only stopped to write now. I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, May 16


Well I was discharged from hospital earlier after having spent the day there.
I had a case of anaphylaxis this morning and last night which was happily nipped in the bud.
Things are still swollen at the minute, and i'm on steriods and high dose anti-histamines but the itching seems to be under control and my tongue's no longer threatening to engulf my whole head and stuff up my wind pipe.
So that's a bonus.
I have more to tell on my hospital insights and lonely hours of nurse monitoring, but these will come later when I can pretend to think clearly. Expect such fun anecdotes as the missing Methadone woman and the Old Geezer With The Longest Toenails Ever In Just An Open Backed Robe Who Likes To Wander A Lot.

This cheers me up no end though:

Tuesday, May 15


Legs Eleven.
Originally uploaded by Beaverhuisen Lederhosen.
Here is my leg.
Yummy huh.
It's obviously not confined to just my leg... but imagine this... everywhere. And redder. There are bits in places common decency forbids me from displaying even for the good of medical science and public awareness.
I'm feeling lousy. All my skin has swollen up. My calves are huge.. the palms of my hands and fingers are swollen and feel hot and achy. I'm drained and tired and fed up! Slept for four extra hours in the middle of today and just am about as compos mentos as a piece of wet haddock.
If it was an allergic reaction to the pineapple juice from two days ago (as my doc suggested), wouldn't it have settled more by now? This image by the way is what it's like whilst on prescribed antihistamine tablets (one a day jobbies).

Something For The Weekend

lonely town
Originally uploaded by Beaverhuisen Lederhosen.
My brother's birthday went off with a bang. The only shame was that the usual feel of canal street and the club was marred by a smaller crowd turn out due to Eurovision me thinks. Poor bro, whose birthday always falls on that day.
Still things picked up after about one thirty, and a really good night was had by all. Actually one of my brother's mates was taking pics left right and center, so fingers crossed I get some my way.
The boyfriend had to be dragged away by myself at the end of the night as he'd belatedly got into his groove and wanted to party on hard. I was knackered, so after about an extra hour or so I was having none of it. I'm such a spoil sport me :D

I'm currently doing battle with my itchy spotty raised angry skin. I've had an allergic reaction to something, presumed pineapple juice, and its taking ages to settle. Could be up to a week according to the doc. Meanwhile I'm itchy and lightheaded.
So not in college. Although today I have two sproglets home feeling poorly, so I couldn't have gone in if i'd have wanted to. I've been working where I can. Architecture brief is so nearly finished i can taste it.
I think I'm off to have a lie down now...

Thursday, May 10

Cant' get enough of...

I hope it plays on saturday night. I'm off out to help my brother celebrate his.. 26th birthday. Or is it 25th? Nah 26th surely. Shit I'm old.
Anyway.. It's gay clubbing ahoy, and it's been awhile. Probably this time last year since I went out in fact! One of my college friends was meant to be going, but has funding issues so cant attend which is a shame for my boyfriend as I'm sure he'd have liked to get to know him better. Obviously not in the spirit of gayness might I add! I had a boyfriend who did that once too. Anyway, bygones!
I've also currently working my artistic arse off.
Thinking of the future.
Sniggering over beavering.
Then daydreaming again.
I do a lot of daydreaming where my future is concerned. I seem to have a worringly strong 'hopelessly optimistic romantic' side to my nature that really ought to have been quoshed and burried by life's experiences by now! Foolish me.
Latest dreaming content? These are daydreams don't forget. Well I finish Salford Uni's Visual Arts degree and get offered a position at one of the Mill art studios that are a stones throw away (or so i just found out and I can't stop thinking about them). There I work tirelessly and hold exhibitions and am represented by all sorts until someone falls for my style and becomes a (rich) collector. Meanwhile I've managed to do up my house all perfect, I'm working on my MA in Fine Arts part time, my gorgeous plumber boyfriend has moved in and proposed, my kids are all successfully on their way to perfect academic wonderments, and even my dog and cat live unexpectedly long and healthy lives til the age of 17. Oh and I lose that last five pounds off my hips that just wont budge.
Weeeeell. One can but dream.

Tuesday, May 8

St Mary's Church West Byfleet

I found one photo of this church online after exhaustive searching a few weeks back.
This is the church down south where my Nanny and Grandad are buried and where my Mum got married to my dad.
It's very special.

Acrylic paint on paper (in my A3 sketchbook for the architecture project).
Painterly style inspired by Paul Signac and Monet.
Knocked it up on Sunday.

And what a nice bank holiday weekend it was too, except for the weather huh. Shame it wasn't that nice, but my boyfriend managed to pick up my 80 pieces of crazy paving with my mum for me while the weather and his car's suspension held out. Now I've just got to bite the bullet and lay the stuff! Anyone got any tips?
It was fab having the boyfriend for an extra night all to myself. Things just keep getting better and better with us. If that's possible!
Sickening I know ;)

My consultant's changed my pill. Did i mention it before? I've gone from Dianette to Jasmin to see if we can find a better combo for my hormones. I'm thinking this one aint it though! Or perhaps I need another month to wait and see. Yesterday evening I was crying my eyes out at Extreme Home Makeover US on UKStyle. There was a disabled kid who couldn't get his wheelchair down his hallway. SO they picked up their house and gave it to another family in need, then built them a new one. As ya do?! How much flipping funding have ABC got anyway?! But yes.. there were tears. There was a disabled little league baseball team. I was a wreck.
Me thinks they is out of whack.
Expect some 'unusual' posts perhaps while I get over myself heh.

Friday, May 4

I'm so girly sometimes.

New Hair
Originally uploaded by Beaverhuisen Lederhosen.
I improved my mood.

Week of Disappointments.

I've had some shitty news.
And it's putting me on a major general downer.
The fruits project we did for college as our very first project way back when, was one of the ones shown last Friday to an external verifier. I bet you can guess where I'm going with this.
This was the project that consisted of two units, the main pieces of art work and the sketchbook (with research and ideas etc). My tutor gave me a distinction in the unit of main work if you recall.
To say I was thrilled is really an understatement. It gave me confidence. Made me think 'hey, this is doable' etc. I even overheard other tutors saying how she never gave distinctions.
She gave me a merit in the sketchbook one, but said (repeatedly) that she'd up that to a distinction too once i had added some more written reflection in it and some health and safety procedures, which i did last week and she said was finished. My work was shown to the E.V. on Friday as an example, amongst others. Four of us with the Fruits project and four on the digital imagery in art project (a much later project might i also mention).
My tutor came to me a little sheepishly on Tuesday to tell me that the E.V. had been 'stringent' across the board, and explained that because mine was the only distinction she had paid it much attention. Presumably picked it apart then, as i've been downgraded.
The main body of work has dropped to a merit. A disappointment to say the least. The worst part though is that my sketchbook has dropped to a pass. How can my tutor 'ok' my work at a distinction level, only for it to be a pass? And why is the very first project done in the first year of a two year course marked on the second year standard? The tutor got all the second years 'merit' sketchbooks out and said it should have been like that. Great.
I couldn't talk on Tuesday whilst I digested the news.
It's still not digested.
Well, they say pride comes before a fall.

I even told my dad all about the distinction months ago, trying to make him proud of his estranged daughter who's actually very much like him in certain ways (musical and artistic - dad was a good artist).
I can't now tell him I failed.
That's what it feels like.
A slap in the face with failure.

To top all that off, I received a letter through the post today.
Salford city council (I want to spit as i say this), have deemed me uneligable for the student council tax discount.
Salford city council .. Salford city council... Salford City Council.
There let that come up in a google search.
Salford City Council does NOT support mature loan parent students trying to become more than a factory worker or a shelf stacker.
The award was disgressionary (cant spell today, am too upset) and they overruled it.
Salford City Council are a fucking joke.

So now I don't know how i'm going to afford to continue at college.
Do I even want to continue going to college?

I can't explain how much effort it takes for me to complete college work, and English Lit A level, AND be a loan parent. How draining it is. There's only one other student who's a mother in the art department, and she only had one kid. I've got three.
Three kids, low income of +/- 12 K a year and now 1K is going to the council.
At times like these I can't help but think back to that 'other me'. The one who did things the way the government and councils mean them to be done. The alternate universe me who didn't have kids young and continued to fulfill her potential at the apparently only acceptable age allowed, as a teenager.
It's age discrimination.
Kids get 35 quid a week to 'stay on at school/college'. Students in MY course get their EMAs. Students with no other obligations at all are awarded money just to keep them in schools.
I get nothing. Not a god damn thing.

I completely forgot to mention one important thing that made me feel crappy that
day at college.
I asked my other tutor about Manchester Metropolitan Uni,
because I've been researching what's on offer locally and really liked their
fine art degree. Salford uni isn't offering one, and I'm not too keen on their
options. When i asked the tutor he looked at me and pulled a doubtful face,
making a weird grunting sucking noise. He said that Man Met was really tough to
get into as their standards were high, and that they were one of the best. He
said all this whilst wincing and shaking his head. Correctly interpretting his
thoughts but unwilling to accept his dismissal of my potential, I then asked him
outright: "But its worth a go right?" Thinking that he would take back his
negative vibes and instead give me some good advice on their criteria and what I
would need to accomplish to get there. All I got was a bit of throat clearing
and "Er well yes, i guess anythings worth chancing."
I'll tell you something.
That's fighting talk where I come from.
Thinking back on it now, and after everything I've been through to get here with this chance, there
is no way i'm letting some poor excuse of an art tutor brow beat me into
I'm going to do everything in my power to get to Man Met now. Just
to show him.

Wednesday, May 2

Blogging Against Disabilism

My depression is seen as a personal choice and my own weakness according to my family. Not as a disease that comes and goes with varying degrees.