Nearly Monday.

A week between posts again eh? Shame on me.

Things have been crazy busy again dans chez Delboy's Daughter. Namely that Delboy himself came round for an extended visit, with the rest of the family.

It was a roaring success all told.

Even Delboy's dog came, and despite my dog having issues with other dogs that are bigger than him, which would include the entire canine population, there were less 'scent marking' puddles on the floor than previously anticipated.

Everyone had a lovely time, and we had a chance to really catch up.

The Boyfriend met the the rest of the family too, and made a great impression, which I knew he would do.

Only thing left to say is that oh pantelons, the visit and preparation for said visit has left me a little low on the art front! The self image brief has to be handed in soon, although I don't know when. It was due last week though really. Doh! Also I've an ECDL test tomorrow I 'think'. Not hard, but there is always an issue with getting there on time in the mornings.

Looks like its my nose to the grindstone again.

Meanwhile. I just have to share the following that made me hoot with laughter:

Don't you just love these?

Who Should Paint You: M.C. Escher

Open and raw, you would let your true self show for your portrait. And even if your painting turned out a bit dark, it would be honest.

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Eureka!

More Auerbach Leanings!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Art should be about FUN!

Expressionism is fun.

That is all really. :)
(Also - contemporary textiles - its the way forward I'm tellin ya)

Red Robot

So.
It was the smallest persons fifth birthday today, and she had pre-ordered a home-made red robot cake.
I commenced The Build with gusto, flair and a few issues relating to a sticky cake tin:

Four hours later and The Build was complete:

Tonight, all that is left of Red Robot is his head. And possibly what will come up later in the toilet, as I believe we've all had rather too much!

Hmmm

La Beave Culture
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I've been having a BAD few weeks its fair to say.
Money has been a nightmare. CSA didnt pay me on time this month, for no reason that they would give, and it still hasn't been paid when it's been sitting in their account since the 23rd of last month. The government will do anything to shave a bit of extra money, including sit on parents due income in order to get a bit of interest in the mean time. Imagine all those hundreds of thousands of pounds just sitting in an account accruing money for an extra week for free. And apparently in some cases nearly a month. The government should be shot.
I have so far been given £120 pounds of bank charges on top, and had no money to use since last week. My children ask me for food, and the CSA cannot give me a reason why they go hungry.

Besides all that - being off the old anti-depressents has been really hard. I'm persevering. And having issued with spelling! (Blogging from flickr has no spell check function Tobe!)
I'm trying to look at the bigger picture all the time.
Reminding myself how better my life is despite all these problems than it was three years ago.
My little one will turn 5 this thursday. Just to add to the financial hell. There is no guarantee that I'll be paid by Wednesday.
Oh and my Dad and Stepmum and Sister are coming up to stay with me for the end of the week in the next week of half term.
This is meant to be a nice time for me, a social time, but I'm just worrying myself to death over how much it will cost to feed them for four days.
Money.
The root of all evils.

Oh and did i mention already that my car broke down this morning?
Yep.
Garage charged the battery and twiddled with the earth lead and charged me £18, but said that they really couldn't find a reason why it didn't work.

o_O

My life has been taken over by this.

Some.

Send aid!

ME IN TWENTY YEARS!

ME IN TWENTY YEARS!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I think I'm going to grow long flowing grey flecked hair when I'm old. It will so 'go' with this look!
Pop to http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//fof/index.html to have fun playing with your pics!
Although try not to be frightened.
The masculine one wasn't amusing! To see my other morphed 'me's' then pop to my flickr site.

Grown up!

Dinnertime - perfect for sly uninterrupted strokes!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Ready for the pot ;)
Gasp!
Just thought I'd share a pic I took this afternoon of Ricky and Abigail enjoying their supper after I retrieved them from their daily run. I managed to get away with no scratches or nips and a wee hug today. Progress!

Angles..

Self portrait at an Angle
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Always angles.
The below post, however upbeat it might seem, is still true, however I've been decidedly 'low' and 'down' lately.
The stuff that needs working through is very negative and destructive, and I currently find it hard to let it go. I know it's the way forward, and I recognise I need to push through to put it all behind me, but it's a long road. Possibly one I can't take without some professional help.
I feel detatched during the day, so that I might function, but at night I've been having bad dreams.

My tutor reflected that all my self portraits drawn from life (ie mirror) have a frailty and a weak feel to them, whereas the ones I draw from photos are much stronger and almost reflect a different woman entirely.
It's a true remark.

I need the nightmares to stop. I'm exhausted.

It's Life Jim But Not As We Know It.

My studio wall!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

There were no baby bunnies!
Or at least none that anyone saw :s
I have given up and Abigail and Ricky have been reunited in their undying bunny passion and life re bunnies is back to normal. For normal read: I look after them almost single handedly and the kids show little if no interest. Joy!
Ah well. One day I will learn.
And advice to you busy people out there that want pets - cats are the way forward I'm telling ya! Preferably bald ones so there is less shedding.

Anyhoo!

Down to the good news. Eldest daughter is doing brilliantly at her new school. Completely different atmosphere. She says she cant believe that the boys hang out with the girls too in a relaxed manner rather than forming male cliques and bullying all the time. I can't explain how pleased I am. I made the right choice. We've turned a corner.

My art is full steam ahead. College is consuming. In a good way. I never seem to have enough hours in the day, but I'm kept busy. Better than being bored. My tutor is pushing me a lot. Making me loosen up. Be braver. It's exhausting! Producing art is physically strenuous too, not just mentally. I often ache. In both respects.

I've got some money troubles. But they are.. well, spiritual of nature really. The kids dad is attempting to inflict his rather medeocre will against me and the kids by withholding any money he can. Currently he owes me £100 since hmmm May I think it was. I can live without it. I AM living without it. Therefore it's a spiritual problem. His attitude taints things, or would if i let it.
I'm at a new stage in my life now, I really feel it. I'm choosing the battles to fight, and becoming so much better as a person than the other ex's of the past by doing so. I imagine the kids dad believes he has won a battle because I've stopped badgering him constantly about the money, and realistically I could force the issue at any time via the CSA, but I'm proving the point that I don't need his money for me or the kids to excel in life and be happy. I asked - he didn't willingly give - I coped and continued to make my families life wicked.
Apart from that, I'm working through laying past negativity to bed. It's hard, but nothing in life that's worth anything comes easy.

Every year I grow older, every year I feel more whole, and every year I'm further from those eleven years of tirrany spent under his roof.

And when I'm earning a very comfortable living from my artwork, and living with my partner who is becoming a wonderfully successful self employed plumber, I will be rid of feeling finacially dependant on the kids dad forever. Life is going to blossom and grow into something beautiful without ANY thorns attached.
Patience and adaptability. I have both in abundance.
Good things come to those who wait.

*clears throat*

More of me
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Ahem.
I am still alive.
Very much so.
This place needs a bit of a dust I reckon.
It's lovely and quiet though. I wonder whether anyone is listening?

Today's Topical Horoscope #2199

Positive changes in your financial situation may finally manifest today after
considerable time and effort. This could be money that you've earned yourself,
or it could be some kind of settlement or inheritance. Either way, dear Virgo,
it marks a turning point for you with regard to your income. You might be
inspired to strive for even higher goals, for continued prosperity, as you
aren't generally one to rest on your laurels. Onward and upward!

Well for the last year I have battled to get my council tax refunded, which kept happening in parts and over and over I'd ring and explain I was owed more. A year this has been going on. A bleeding year. Now they are contesting that while I was on income support and housing benefit with no CSA money coming in, nothing at all when I first moved up here In Jan '05 being a loan parent with three sprogs etc that I'm not allowed Council Tax benefit even though it was awarded at the time as per usual. Since also gaining Student Status, they decided I wasn't allowed the previous benefit award. Yes that's right. Apparently you can only have either Student Exception OR Loan Parent with no bleeding job benefits.
No cause no one is ever both huh. No parent living on the dole with kids would BOTHER to pick themselves up, make the most of themselves and try and improve their future families situation by going back to college as much as possible for as many courses as possible?
ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH
However.
The superior adviser I just spoke to today for two hours managed to realise that that's where the difference in refund is falling. As illogical as it may be. And, because she doesn't deal with benefits, is referring it on further to yet another senior person somewhere or other to look over it all again.
In theory... since we have finally located the missing £78 they owe me... it should only be a matter of time, possibly yet one more extended and exhausting phone call, and someone with sense to acknowledge they need to overthrow the massive dependency on computer systems and bring on another Arts & Crafts Movement, thus changing the world for the better, organising and implementing a Socialist anarchy and ending poverty as we know it, including my refund of bloody £78.
Hoorah!
I would say that was a higher goal well striven for huh?

I'm now off to comfort eat current buns. Look what the council have driven me to. I will get raised cholesterol and die five years before my time thanks to this furore.

Affirmation of Myself.

I shrink.
Certainly my voice is quieter, less heard.

I've the unerring feeling of disappearing, or fading.
I colour my hair to keep from becoming something normal that blends in, something that isn't looked through, or past. I look forward to direction next week. Some affirmation that I'm alive and kicking. That I've my own singular purpose as well as the million roles in motherhood.

My hands fly off the steering wheel
Can't recall getting here
If I could, I would reach behind
And turn my light on
My thoughts run off the beaten track
There's no light
How's the way back
Take the hand of God
And bite the fear
No more lingering

Stinky

How is it that the summer holiday days are meant to be full of free time, but I don't seem to manage to get things done? Curious.
Bunny Watch update.
Well nothing's poured from the bunnies bits. As of yesterday there were still signs of movement, but these days I'm wondering whether she's not just got a really large tapeworm or something. We still continue with the daily care routine, which is much evolved from the old one now that the bunnies have to be seperated.
Anyway.
I'm a bit of an Ebay whore, but lately I made a purchase that has annoyed me no end. Now I can't confirm it, but I think that the perfume I bought has had the innards changed with something completely different and rather crap. I bought the bottle because I newly discovered how lovely the perfume was at Debenhams, but although I'm fairly confident it's the same brand etc, it smells rank! Damnit.
Not cool!
Also not exactly something I can moan about huh.

*strokes white dog on lap*

As I buttered my hot cross bun this morning, a rather wicked thought came to me and I wondered whether I'm turning evil in my old age.
I was thinking how amusing it would be to feed my mother two + hot cross buns for her lunchbreak from work. This is possibly evil because I happen to know that the fruit makes her toot. Not only that, but she has reached a certain age where her tooting comes unbidden, unstoppable, louder, and as a result of climbing stairs or laughing. A bit like Peter Kay but without the stairs trait.
Laughing also occasionally sets off a bout of wee, so I often see how hard I can make her laugh.

I think I might be evil!

Maria

Maria
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Whilst waiting for the rabbit to shit out her offspring that might well never happen as I'm beginning to believe what I thought was inutero movement was in fact a bad case of wind, I sketched the following ;)
She has a continental look about her. Reminds me of my stepmum in a way.
The boyfriend is skint. I am skint. Everyone is skint.
That seems to just about sum things up.
Whilst next weekend sees the onset of another wild gay pride looming, I'm left wondering whether I can hack the pace these days. Let alone the price.

Waiting...

A little surprise
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

It's so exciting! And so nerve wracking! (And somewhat costly)
Any day now.
Still.
And today she was acting a little unstable, so maybe tonight...

Several buns in the oven!

Originally uploaded by La Beave.

A few days ago we spotted something 'rolling and squirming' around in Abigail's belly. Looks like Ricky got his evil way before his manliness was removed after all !!!
Cheeky devil.
We estimate that she has at most a week to go before the pitter patter of tiny feet.! It's very exciting. She's all hot n bothered and breathing in a shallow manner bless her. Taking lots of naps and not a lot of jumping in mid air anymore.
I guessed she might be a few weeks ago as her desperation for food in the mornings became unlikely to just be greed!
Here you can see how she prefers to lay. The kittens in her belly wiggle best in this position.
Eldest and Middle Daughter find the alien movement gross and disgusting! Handy as I'd rather not be a Nanny for at least another fifteen years!
I just hope the birth goes alright as it's her first (and only) litter.
Eek.
I've been spending a lot of time just staring at her. Oh and painting ceilings. Lots of ceiling painting.

Just a quicky...

Things are looking up.
Kids are back tomorrow!
I can't wait.

Sigh

Today's Sketch
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I'm having what can only be described as a 'down day'.
Ok so I know I'm having a lot more of them lately what with the kids being gone and everything, but down days are depressing.
Ironic really.
I spoke to the kids at the weekend after sending a bit of a shitty text to their dad. Why does it get to the point that I'm made to feel crappy and need to send such things? Surely he can't enjoy it? Anyway they are having a lovely time, and I felt reassured.

I've had to shut all their doors and remove their toys from around my living space while they are gone. I went into the two little ones room the other day to do something, I forget what. It was musty and smelt unused. Dimmed because the blind, which has broken, was pulled down. Light just managing to creep around the edges as if it knew it didn't belong there being too bright, vibrant and alive. The room smells of the girls, but ten times more powerful for being shut up. I left very quickly and closed the door again. I had contemplated going in to tidy it all up for them for when they get home, but I'm not sure I'll bring myself to do it.

There are many things I should or could be doing while they are not here, things which my mum delights in listing off almost daily during her lunchbreak where our very different lives converge briefly for twenty minutes, time enough to unsettle without imparting any real sociable get up and go motivation.
I tried to explain. Tried to tell her how I'm not feeling like this on purpose. I can't help it.
I made what for me was a superhuman effort not to get annoyed with her as she carried on with her mild berations, and suggested that coming off the pill recently might also be having an affect on my mood.

Why can't I just be normal?
I feel pathetic.
A thought continues to worry me lately as well.
My doc wants me off my (low dose) antidepressents as I've been on them now for quite a while. I feel like they are my lifeline to something vaguely resembling a normal existance. But a thought occurred to me. What if I'm not really depressed, but what if i'm actually just a really nasty moody person? What if the pills i take to keep me on a more upbeat keel are in fact altering a state of being that is doomed to failure each time i'm off them?
Maybe I'm just a bitch?!
God that's depressing.

Secretly I sometimes wish I had something concrete wrong with me that would be the cause of my feelings. Not just some daft ovarian syndrome and occasional inner ear issues. Something that can be fought. Like if I had a brain tumour or something, then that would justify the apathy, the depression, the intense hollow inside. Then life would have a reason to be miserable. I've often thought that, but never said it aloud.

I'll shut up now I think.
Hopefully I'll be able to lift out of it a bit in a couple of hours.

The bunny bitch has scratched my throat to hell and gone. Evil thing. Perhaps the bopping them on the head idea wasn't such a bad one! I cleaned out their hutch, and realised that I'd run out of sawdust, sigh, so I've got to go out.
It'll probably do me good.