Stinky

How is it that the summer holiday days are meant to be full of free time, but I don't seem to manage to get things done? Curious.
Bunny Watch update.
Well nothing's poured from the bunnies bits. As of yesterday there were still signs of movement, but these days I'm wondering whether she's not just got a really large tapeworm or something. We still continue with the daily care routine, which is much evolved from the old one now that the bunnies have to be seperated.
Anyway.
I'm a bit of an Ebay whore, but lately I made a purchase that has annoyed me no end. Now I can't confirm it, but I think that the perfume I bought has had the innards changed with something completely different and rather crap. I bought the bottle because I newly discovered how lovely the perfume was at Debenhams, but although I'm fairly confident it's the same brand etc, it smells rank! Damnit.
Not cool!
Also not exactly something I can moan about huh.

*strokes white dog on lap*

As I buttered my hot cross bun this morning, a rather wicked thought came to me and I wondered whether I'm turning evil in my old age.
I was thinking how amusing it would be to feed my mother two + hot cross buns for her lunchbreak from work. This is possibly evil because I happen to know that the fruit makes her toot. Not only that, but she has reached a certain age where her tooting comes unbidden, unstoppable, louder, and as a result of climbing stairs or laughing. A bit like Peter Kay but without the stairs trait.
Laughing also occasionally sets off a bout of wee, so I often see how hard I can make her laugh.

I think I might be evil!

Maria

Maria
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Whilst waiting for the rabbit to shit out her offspring that might well never happen as I'm beginning to believe what I thought was inutero movement was in fact a bad case of wind, I sketched the following ;)
She has a continental look about her. Reminds me of my stepmum in a way.
The boyfriend is skint. I am skint. Everyone is skint.
That seems to just about sum things up.
Whilst next weekend sees the onset of another wild gay pride looming, I'm left wondering whether I can hack the pace these days. Let alone the price.

Waiting...

A little surprise
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

It's so exciting! And so nerve wracking! (And somewhat costly)
Any day now.
Still.
And today she was acting a little unstable, so maybe tonight...

Several buns in the oven!

Originally uploaded by La Beave.

A few days ago we spotted something 'rolling and squirming' around in Abigail's belly. Looks like Ricky got his evil way before his manliness was removed after all !!!
Cheeky devil.
We estimate that she has at most a week to go before the pitter patter of tiny feet.! It's very exciting. She's all hot n bothered and breathing in a shallow manner bless her. Taking lots of naps and not a lot of jumping in mid air anymore.
I guessed she might be a few weeks ago as her desperation for food in the mornings became unlikely to just be greed!
Here you can see how she prefers to lay. The kittens in her belly wiggle best in this position.
Eldest and Middle Daughter find the alien movement gross and disgusting! Handy as I'd rather not be a Nanny for at least another fifteen years!
I just hope the birth goes alright as it's her first (and only) litter.
Eek.
I've been spending a lot of time just staring at her. Oh and painting ceilings. Lots of ceiling painting.

Just a quicky...

Things are looking up.
Kids are back tomorrow!
I can't wait.

Sigh

Today's Sketch
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I'm having what can only be described as a 'down day'.
Ok so I know I'm having a lot more of them lately what with the kids being gone and everything, but down days are depressing.
Ironic really.
I spoke to the kids at the weekend after sending a bit of a shitty text to their dad. Why does it get to the point that I'm made to feel crappy and need to send such things? Surely he can't enjoy it? Anyway they are having a lovely time, and I felt reassured.

I've had to shut all their doors and remove their toys from around my living space while they are gone. I went into the two little ones room the other day to do something, I forget what. It was musty and smelt unused. Dimmed because the blind, which has broken, was pulled down. Light just managing to creep around the edges as if it knew it didn't belong there being too bright, vibrant and alive. The room smells of the girls, but ten times more powerful for being shut up. I left very quickly and closed the door again. I had contemplated going in to tidy it all up for them for when they get home, but I'm not sure I'll bring myself to do it.

There are many things I should or could be doing while they are not here, things which my mum delights in listing off almost daily during her lunchbreak where our very different lives converge briefly for twenty minutes, time enough to unsettle without imparting any real sociable get up and go motivation.
I tried to explain. Tried to tell her how I'm not feeling like this on purpose. I can't help it.
I made what for me was a superhuman effort not to get annoyed with her as she carried on with her mild berations, and suggested that coming off the pill recently might also be having an affect on my mood.

Why can't I just be normal?
I feel pathetic.
A thought continues to worry me lately as well.
My doc wants me off my (low dose) antidepressents as I've been on them now for quite a while. I feel like they are my lifeline to something vaguely resembling a normal existance. But a thought occurred to me. What if I'm not really depressed, but what if i'm actually just a really nasty moody person? What if the pills i take to keep me on a more upbeat keel are in fact altering a state of being that is doomed to failure each time i'm off them?
Maybe I'm just a bitch?!
God that's depressing.

Secretly I sometimes wish I had something concrete wrong with me that would be the cause of my feelings. Not just some daft ovarian syndrome and occasional inner ear issues. Something that can be fought. Like if I had a brain tumour or something, then that would justify the apathy, the depression, the intense hollow inside. Then life would have a reason to be miserable. I've often thought that, but never said it aloud.

I'll shut up now I think.
Hopefully I'll be able to lift out of it a bit in a couple of hours.

The bunny bitch has scratched my throat to hell and gone. Evil thing. Perhaps the bopping them on the head idea wasn't such a bad one! I cleaned out their hutch, and realised that I'd run out of sawdust, sigh, so I've got to go out.
It'll probably do me good.

And further more...

Final Stage
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

For the first time in my very long and often fraught blogging history I have been graced with not one, but two blogger awards!
It's been a real boost for me, and completely set aside any thoughts I had of giving up the place. Not that they were concrete thoughts of course, but previously my blogging had slowed a little. Pesky real life getting in the way of my blogging. Pah.

And as to that life stuff, I had a really good weekend with the Boyfriend again. We went to see Transformers, which I have to say was a tad disappointing. Still worth a watch on the big screen though and I really enjoyed the first half. The second half just got a little crazy plot wise, and the CGI action is too fast to really be fully apreciated. However all the slow mo action shots gave me goosebumps.
I won't mention that I get goosebumps very easily though. Like when I watched Take That on TV at the Boyfriends and Mark was singing to his newly found son. *goosebumps*
Hey it's an autonomic reaction! I can't help it damnit!

Today has seen me becoming somewhat attacked by the bunnies as I transferred them to their outdoor pen on the grass. I think those things are way too bolshy for their own good. They have been handled so much that they actually get pushy! They know that picking up generally leads to fun and relative freedom in a large pen, and are often more than excited to get there with somewhat cute nose nudges and less cute scratching. I'm constantly walking around with scratch marks. I think people wonder whether the Boyfriend and I aren't into some sort of S&M play. On a serious note I am going to get another tattoo on the inside of my left wrist and I could use that area healthy without ickle scratches everywhere! I'll obviously have to instil fear into them so that they freeze rather than fight to be released. Maybe i'll hit them on the head a few times. [i'm joking obviously] Oh and Ricky, who I now dub affectionately as Ricky The Eunoch is doing very well in the healing department.

Today I've also completed another nude sketch as shown above with thanks to a friend for finding me some suitable nudes online. You'd think that would be an easy job huh. But no. I don't do pron drawings. Unless I get paid. MWAHAH.

Meow

What is it about plastic bags that cats find appealing?
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Why little cat? Why must you a) lie ON something, b) lie On something ON my worktop, and c) choose plastic bags for your bed?
Crazy animal.
But cute.
Bless.

I'm off to see the boyf for the weekend soon. Off for my weekly dose of cuddles.

Oh and I tried to phone the kids again but still not answering. I left a message so hopefully I'll get a call back soon.

Gazing

Gazing
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I went to see Harry Potter last night and to any Potter movie fans out there, it was brilliant. Up there with the Prisoner Of Azkaban..
Well done that director, whoever it was.
Finally some decent magical fight scenes.
I've still not started the new HP book yet. I've decided to read through Half Blood Prince again just to get the best possible experience by reading straight through to the last one.
Possibly a little sad, I am aware of this!

I drew this charcoal sketch today and am surprised at how handy a chamois is for charcoal drawings. Why did noone ever tell me? Is it like the best kept secret amongst artists ever?

In home life things are still odd. Looking to the future is horrible. I've had to look in my diary for a few reasons (a cast iron fireplace is being delivered woo) and the look of another vast week without the kids is awful. I'm definately only coping by getting through a day at a time. I don't know whether it would help or not, but i've tried to phone their dad to talk to them and find out how they are doing, but he didn't answer and hasn't returned my call.
I guess he is busy.

I forgot to mention something that I did accidentally a couple of weeks ago. I was dropping Middle Kid off at her end of year prom (at 8 years old too SIGH), when I attempted to be sociable to a mother at the gates whom I had one 'brew' with whilst our kids played together once. She's a nice girl, and I'm not afraid to admit that I could use a friend or two since moving up, so I feel it's important to make the effort. Except that I became flustered a little. Tried too hard to be casual and chat I suppose. Sometimes social gatherings take me right back to when I was 13 in Holland and trying to make friends with the kids that would bully me. Bygones! Anyway. So my big faux pas? I used the word Tizwoz in conversation. To someone who wasn't about to jump on a horse and go fox hunting. What was I thinking?

I expect to have some sort of cap up my ass any day now.

Things that make you go 'huh!'

Hey you know when weird things happen, coincidental things that make you go 'huh!'
Well they happen A LOT to me. Take just now for example.
I was driving back from dropping my mum off at work (her car is in the garage), when during her waffling that I was pretending to be interested in (well it was some scandal involving some member of the family somehow etc) I heard David Bowie's Ashes to Ashes playing quietly in the background. Well, that's not something you hear a lot these days huh? Mind you I was listening to (last) Century FM. And no it wasn't the cover version by that bird whom I can't recall at the mo.
Anyway, so I made a mental note, repeatedly muttering Ashes to Ashes over and over on the way back, because my memory has been letting me down somewhat lately. Got in, checked which album it was on, Best of Bowie, and then looked for it on something torrenty. During the googling, I found a YouTube video of the single, which almost put me off the song to be honest, but not quite.
Then, whilst Youtube was open I looked for some Never Mind The Buzzcocks episodes that I'd not yet seen. Well Simon Amstell IS a God is he not?
Very randomly Season 2 ep 5 seemed unfamiliar, so away I clicked on Part 1, settling in for a nice ten minutes of chuckling.
And then it happened.
During the intro for Dom Jolly....
They played Ashes to Ashes.

Now that's some fucked up shit right there that is.

But now a comedy interlude:
Russel Howard. My new comedy hero. (Youtube's embed was turned off so had to link only - sorry folks)
I am SO going to his standup near us in November. GENIUS!

Scarved Girl

Scarved Girl
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Here is my story-
A little sad of soul, a little weary
Maybe I am that?
Will nobody love me?
Is an empty heart and a conscience all I have?
If i die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know

I was born in the springtime
Born of love and cradled in a misfit history
Of blind faith and pantomime
Oh, I know what I am but I don't see
So if I die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know

So if I die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
So if I die toniight
Won't you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know
Won't you tell them my story?
Won't you tell them, tell them
Tell them everything about me
About me when I'm gone
When we're dead and gone
What will still be here?
What will carry on?
When we're dead and gone
When there's nothing left
What will still be here?

Nickindia - Nerina Pallot

One of the most beautiful and poignant songs I have heard in the last five years at least. I am in love with a song.
It's words are the reason I'm becoming an artist, the reason I write.
To not disappear into time, but leave something behind.
I want to still be here when I'm dead and gone and there's nothing left.
I want my children to look at the images I've created and see a piece of me in every one. Some resonate me. My moods, my inner thoughts, my expression.
Tonight I sketched Scarved Girl, and although it's similar to the photo reference, her expression has something of my inner thoughts and mood.

Give me a name, give me a soul.

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are A Weeping Willow Tree

You are a dreamer, and you're into almost any kind of escapism. Restless and capricious, you love to travel to exotic places. You are easily influenced by others, as long as they don't pressure you. You tend to suffer in love until you find that one loyal, steadfast partner. An empathetic friend, you love to make others smile and laugh.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Hello all and sundry.
Well my three weeuns have gone on holiday with their dad for awhile leaving me very unsettled and out of sorts. It's a yearly event, and they love it, but it's hard for me. Very hard. I've had the boyfriend to entertain me with his fying penis flinging over this weekend which I can honestly say was an eye opener as well as a distraction so that's been good.
But he's gone now. Back to the hum drum of week day life, and I'm here.
It's end of the college year, so I'm just in the house, but in theory I should be up to a million things while I have the free time alone. But I can't utilise the time efficiently when I'm willing it away. I'm just not in the right frame on mind I suppose.
I've been burrowing into the final of the Garth Nix Abhorsen trilogy this evening, and of course there's the final Harry Potter waiting for me afterwards [NO ONE SAY A WORD]. All decent escapism stuff.
I've also got a sketchbook to fill before the new college year, and a comprehensive study of 20th century art history to create. I'm not mentioning the interior decorating I've guilted myself into putting on the list. But I've encountered a snag on that front. I'm still suffering from varying degrees of vertigo which comes on more when I tilt my head a lot. I tried to get up a ladder and help the boyfriend paint my mum's dining room ceiling this weekend, and the motion of looking down at the tray, then up at the ceiling, whilst being up a height was enough to get me wobbling back down to firmer ground again. But I have a hallway ceiling to paint! My ceilings are 10+ high. DOH!
Having said that, I've just remembered that I've got some anti vertigo meds somewhere that make me drowzy but might just be the answer.
I went back to the doc about it all, because i've got this ringing in my ears like white noise and I 'think' my hearing is going. The last week I've noticed that I can't hear people on the phone very well at all. But the ear thing doesn't seem to be typical Menieres according to the doc. I don't know why. Possibly because it's going on for over a month and I get it most in the mornings after I've just got up, or when I do the head tilting thing. His doing a fasting blood test tomorrow testing me for everything under the sun. Even cholesterol which I've never had. Interesting stuff. Assuming blood wise I'm all fine, then it'll be more hospital appointments, but this time with the ENT peeps.
Anyhoo.

Why is the weather not improving yet? I've also got a crazy paving patio to lay damnit.

God.
I've turned middle aged!

Mmm

8th May - Pissy feet....
Originally uploaded by Caz Harrison.

I've recently bought some dry heel repair cream to prevent my feet from becoming mocasins like my mothers... I was slightly worried to note that the main ingrediant is piss.
Lovely.
That accounts for the smell then.

Addicted to lurve

51%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Mingle² - Online Dating

Thanks Dj.. I nearly feel normal! I used to be a whole lot worse with my blogging addiction, but I'm on a programme.

Yesterday littlest kid piped up in the car on the way to school:
LK: Muuuuuuuuuum! Look there's a squirrel on the roof!
Me: Oh really [driving and not paying close attention], that's cool.
LK: Yeah. [explanatory tones] It's looking for his doughnut.

In other news, I actually dreamt a painting last night. Or this morning, whatever. All in detail though. Weird. I've sketched it out a bit with a mind to creating it. I'm heading down an abstract path these days, much to the consternation of my other half. I can't help it. I feel it in me waters heh.
It's very hard to create an abstract expressionist painting that doesn't look like a 12 year old has done it. I've ordered some textbooks to cope with my latest addiction. Think William Scott.

Self Portrait

Self Portrait
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

If I were a member of Springfield of course.Go here to play: www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html

I particularily like the slightly manic stare badly hidden by the stiff smile ! A woman on the edge ;)
How are you all anyway?
I took the bunnies to the RSPCA vets today. An experience to say the least! But they are all well and happy apart from the fact that little Ricky has become big Richard and wont leave Abigail alone. So next week Big Richard will have two little things surgically removed and be reinstated as Ricketta. Then perhaps Abigail will get some peace and hopefully he'll stop nibbling at her ruff area to get her ready for some 'hows your father'. Dirty animal. Mind you... the boyfriend uses the same technique !!!!

4 + 4 =

We've recently inherited one of those DS Brain Training 'games'. Obviously I use the term game here loosly! Anyway, I had a pop this evening and have been traumatised to learn that my brain is the age of a 54 year old !!!!!!!!!
I've begun training in ernest.
And sobbing, there's sobbing too.

I had decided to do one of those '7 things you might find fascinating about me' types of things as seen at Dj's gaff... but i'm too intimidated.

Mister Sensative..

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly
teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...




"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

Pouting!

Pouting!
Originally uploaded by Beaverhuisen Lederhosen.

In case the other link below didn't get you interested..

Noooo!

Noooo!
Originally uploaded by Beaverhuisen Lederhosen.

Yes DJ... they are!
Bad bunnies.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.

Not in front of the dog.

I've got the photo's of my stuff up at the exhibition now over here. Pretty proud, although I didn't get a say in what went up due to illness. But the tutor put many of my favs in and that's all I could ask for really. It's weird walking past your wall, and watching a group of strangers stop at your work, point and talk to each other. Also weird to see some random geezer taking photos of the wall. What a buzz. I want more!