ME IN TWENTY YEARS!

ME IN TWENTY YEARS!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I think I'm going to grow long flowing grey flecked hair when I'm old. It will so 'go' with this look!
Pop to http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//fof/index.html to have fun playing with your pics!
Although try not to be frightened.
The masculine one wasn't amusing! To see my other morphed 'me's' then pop to my flickr site.

Grown up!

Dinnertime - perfect for sly uninterrupted strokes!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Ready for the pot ;)
Gasp!
Just thought I'd share a pic I took this afternoon of Ricky and Abigail enjoying their supper after I retrieved them from their daily run. I managed to get away with no scratches or nips and a wee hug today. Progress!

Angles..

Self portrait at an Angle
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Always angles.
The below post, however upbeat it might seem, is still true, however I've been decidedly 'low' and 'down' lately.
The stuff that needs working through is very negative and destructive, and I currently find it hard to let it go. I know it's the way forward, and I recognise I need to push through to put it all behind me, but it's a long road. Possibly one I can't take without some professional help.
I feel detatched during the day, so that I might function, but at night I've been having bad dreams.

My tutor reflected that all my self portraits drawn from life (ie mirror) have a frailty and a weak feel to them, whereas the ones I draw from photos are much stronger and almost reflect a different woman entirely.
It's a true remark.

I need the nightmares to stop. I'm exhausted.

It's Life Jim But Not As We Know It.

My studio wall!
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

There were no baby bunnies!
Or at least none that anyone saw :s
I have given up and Abigail and Ricky have been reunited in their undying bunny passion and life re bunnies is back to normal. For normal read: I look after them almost single handedly and the kids show little if no interest. Joy!
Ah well. One day I will learn.
And advice to you busy people out there that want pets - cats are the way forward I'm telling ya! Preferably bald ones so there is less shedding.

Anyhoo!

Down to the good news. Eldest daughter is doing brilliantly at her new school. Completely different atmosphere. She says she cant believe that the boys hang out with the girls too in a relaxed manner rather than forming male cliques and bullying all the time. I can't explain how pleased I am. I made the right choice. We've turned a corner.

My art is full steam ahead. College is consuming. In a good way. I never seem to have enough hours in the day, but I'm kept busy. Better than being bored. My tutor is pushing me a lot. Making me loosen up. Be braver. It's exhausting! Producing art is physically strenuous too, not just mentally. I often ache. In both respects.

I've got some money troubles. But they are.. well, spiritual of nature really. The kids dad is attempting to inflict his rather medeocre will against me and the kids by withholding any money he can. Currently he owes me £100 since hmmm May I think it was. I can live without it. I AM living without it. Therefore it's a spiritual problem. His attitude taints things, or would if i let it.
I'm at a new stage in my life now, I really feel it. I'm choosing the battles to fight, and becoming so much better as a person than the other ex's of the past by doing so. I imagine the kids dad believes he has won a battle because I've stopped badgering him constantly about the money, and realistically I could force the issue at any time via the CSA, but I'm proving the point that I don't need his money for me or the kids to excel in life and be happy. I asked - he didn't willingly give - I coped and continued to make my families life wicked.
Apart from that, I'm working through laying past negativity to bed. It's hard, but nothing in life that's worth anything comes easy.

Every year I grow older, every year I feel more whole, and every year I'm further from those eleven years of tirrany spent under his roof.

And when I'm earning a very comfortable living from my artwork, and living with my partner who is becoming a wonderfully successful self employed plumber, I will be rid of feeling finacially dependant on the kids dad forever. Life is going to blossom and grow into something beautiful without ANY thorns attached.
Patience and adaptability. I have both in abundance.
Good things come to those who wait.

*clears throat*

More of me
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Ahem.
I am still alive.
Very much so.
This place needs a bit of a dust I reckon.
It's lovely and quiet though. I wonder whether anyone is listening?

Today's Topical Horoscope #2199

Positive changes in your financial situation may finally manifest today after
considerable time and effort. This could be money that you've earned yourself,
or it could be some kind of settlement or inheritance. Either way, dear Virgo,
it marks a turning point for you with regard to your income. You might be
inspired to strive for even higher goals, for continued prosperity, as you
aren't generally one to rest on your laurels. Onward and upward!

Well for the last year I have battled to get my council tax refunded, which kept happening in parts and over and over I'd ring and explain I was owed more. A year this has been going on. A bleeding year. Now they are contesting that while I was on income support and housing benefit with no CSA money coming in, nothing at all when I first moved up here In Jan '05 being a loan parent with three sprogs etc that I'm not allowed Council Tax benefit even though it was awarded at the time as per usual. Since also gaining Student Status, they decided I wasn't allowed the previous benefit award. Yes that's right. Apparently you can only have either Student Exception OR Loan Parent with no bleeding job benefits.
No cause no one is ever both huh. No parent living on the dole with kids would BOTHER to pick themselves up, make the most of themselves and try and improve their future families situation by going back to college as much as possible for as many courses as possible?
ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH
However.
The superior adviser I just spoke to today for two hours managed to realise that that's where the difference in refund is falling. As illogical as it may be. And, because she doesn't deal with benefits, is referring it on further to yet another senior person somewhere or other to look over it all again.
In theory... since we have finally located the missing £78 they owe me... it should only be a matter of time, possibly yet one more extended and exhausting phone call, and someone with sense to acknowledge they need to overthrow the massive dependency on computer systems and bring on another Arts & Crafts Movement, thus changing the world for the better, organising and implementing a Socialist anarchy and ending poverty as we know it, including my refund of bloody £78.
Hoorah!
I would say that was a higher goal well striven for huh?

I'm now off to comfort eat current buns. Look what the council have driven me to. I will get raised cholesterol and die five years before my time thanks to this furore.

Affirmation of Myself.

I shrink.
Certainly my voice is quieter, less heard.

I've the unerring feeling of disappearing, or fading.
I colour my hair to keep from becoming something normal that blends in, something that isn't looked through, or past. I look forward to direction next week. Some affirmation that I'm alive and kicking. That I've my own singular purpose as well as the million roles in motherhood.

My hands fly off the steering wheel
Can't recall getting here
If I could, I would reach behind
And turn my light on
My thoughts run off the beaten track
There's no light
How's the way back
Take the hand of God
And bite the fear
No more lingering

Stinky

How is it that the summer holiday days are meant to be full of free time, but I don't seem to manage to get things done? Curious.
Bunny Watch update.
Well nothing's poured from the bunnies bits. As of yesterday there were still signs of movement, but these days I'm wondering whether she's not just got a really large tapeworm or something. We still continue with the daily care routine, which is much evolved from the old one now that the bunnies have to be seperated.
Anyway.
I'm a bit of an Ebay whore, but lately I made a purchase that has annoyed me no end. Now I can't confirm it, but I think that the perfume I bought has had the innards changed with something completely different and rather crap. I bought the bottle because I newly discovered how lovely the perfume was at Debenhams, but although I'm fairly confident it's the same brand etc, it smells rank! Damnit.
Not cool!
Also not exactly something I can moan about huh.

*strokes white dog on lap*

As I buttered my hot cross bun this morning, a rather wicked thought came to me and I wondered whether I'm turning evil in my old age.
I was thinking how amusing it would be to feed my mother two + hot cross buns for her lunchbreak from work. This is possibly evil because I happen to know that the fruit makes her toot. Not only that, but she has reached a certain age where her tooting comes unbidden, unstoppable, louder, and as a result of climbing stairs or laughing. A bit like Peter Kay but without the stairs trait.
Laughing also occasionally sets off a bout of wee, so I often see how hard I can make her laugh.

I think I might be evil!

Maria

Maria
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Whilst waiting for the rabbit to shit out her offspring that might well never happen as I'm beginning to believe what I thought was inutero movement was in fact a bad case of wind, I sketched the following ;)
She has a continental look about her. Reminds me of my stepmum in a way.
The boyfriend is skint. I am skint. Everyone is skint.
That seems to just about sum things up.
Whilst next weekend sees the onset of another wild gay pride looming, I'm left wondering whether I can hack the pace these days. Let alone the price.

Waiting...

A little surprise
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

It's so exciting! And so nerve wracking! (And somewhat costly)
Any day now.
Still.
And today she was acting a little unstable, so maybe tonight...

Several buns in the oven!

Originally uploaded by La Beave.

A few days ago we spotted something 'rolling and squirming' around in Abigail's belly. Looks like Ricky got his evil way before his manliness was removed after all !!!
Cheeky devil.
We estimate that she has at most a week to go before the pitter patter of tiny feet.! It's very exciting. She's all hot n bothered and breathing in a shallow manner bless her. Taking lots of naps and not a lot of jumping in mid air anymore.
I guessed she might be a few weeks ago as her desperation for food in the mornings became unlikely to just be greed!
Here you can see how she prefers to lay. The kittens in her belly wiggle best in this position.
Eldest and Middle Daughter find the alien movement gross and disgusting! Handy as I'd rather not be a Nanny for at least another fifteen years!
I just hope the birth goes alright as it's her first (and only) litter.
Eek.
I've been spending a lot of time just staring at her. Oh and painting ceilings. Lots of ceiling painting.

Just a quicky...

Things are looking up.
Kids are back tomorrow!
I can't wait.

Sigh

Today's Sketch
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I'm having what can only be described as a 'down day'.
Ok so I know I'm having a lot more of them lately what with the kids being gone and everything, but down days are depressing.
Ironic really.
I spoke to the kids at the weekend after sending a bit of a shitty text to their dad. Why does it get to the point that I'm made to feel crappy and need to send such things? Surely he can't enjoy it? Anyway they are having a lovely time, and I felt reassured.

I've had to shut all their doors and remove their toys from around my living space while they are gone. I went into the two little ones room the other day to do something, I forget what. It was musty and smelt unused. Dimmed because the blind, which has broken, was pulled down. Light just managing to creep around the edges as if it knew it didn't belong there being too bright, vibrant and alive. The room smells of the girls, but ten times more powerful for being shut up. I left very quickly and closed the door again. I had contemplated going in to tidy it all up for them for when they get home, but I'm not sure I'll bring myself to do it.

There are many things I should or could be doing while they are not here, things which my mum delights in listing off almost daily during her lunchbreak where our very different lives converge briefly for twenty minutes, time enough to unsettle without imparting any real sociable get up and go motivation.
I tried to explain. Tried to tell her how I'm not feeling like this on purpose. I can't help it.
I made what for me was a superhuman effort not to get annoyed with her as she carried on with her mild berations, and suggested that coming off the pill recently might also be having an affect on my mood.

Why can't I just be normal?
I feel pathetic.
A thought continues to worry me lately as well.
My doc wants me off my (low dose) antidepressents as I've been on them now for quite a while. I feel like they are my lifeline to something vaguely resembling a normal existance. But a thought occurred to me. What if I'm not really depressed, but what if i'm actually just a really nasty moody person? What if the pills i take to keep me on a more upbeat keel are in fact altering a state of being that is doomed to failure each time i'm off them?
Maybe I'm just a bitch?!
God that's depressing.

Secretly I sometimes wish I had something concrete wrong with me that would be the cause of my feelings. Not just some daft ovarian syndrome and occasional inner ear issues. Something that can be fought. Like if I had a brain tumour or something, then that would justify the apathy, the depression, the intense hollow inside. Then life would have a reason to be miserable. I've often thought that, but never said it aloud.

I'll shut up now I think.
Hopefully I'll be able to lift out of it a bit in a couple of hours.

The bunny bitch has scratched my throat to hell and gone. Evil thing. Perhaps the bopping them on the head idea wasn't such a bad one! I cleaned out their hutch, and realised that I'd run out of sawdust, sigh, so I've got to go out.
It'll probably do me good.

And further more...

Final Stage
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

For the first time in my very long and often fraught blogging history I have been graced with not one, but two blogger awards!
It's been a real boost for me, and completely set aside any thoughts I had of giving up the place. Not that they were concrete thoughts of course, but previously my blogging had slowed a little. Pesky real life getting in the way of my blogging. Pah.

And as to that life stuff, I had a really good weekend with the Boyfriend again. We went to see Transformers, which I have to say was a tad disappointing. Still worth a watch on the big screen though and I really enjoyed the first half. The second half just got a little crazy plot wise, and the CGI action is too fast to really be fully apreciated. However all the slow mo action shots gave me goosebumps.
I won't mention that I get goosebumps very easily though. Like when I watched Take That on TV at the Boyfriends and Mark was singing to his newly found son. *goosebumps*
Hey it's an autonomic reaction! I can't help it damnit!

Today has seen me becoming somewhat attacked by the bunnies as I transferred them to their outdoor pen on the grass. I think those things are way too bolshy for their own good. They have been handled so much that they actually get pushy! They know that picking up generally leads to fun and relative freedom in a large pen, and are often more than excited to get there with somewhat cute nose nudges and less cute scratching. I'm constantly walking around with scratch marks. I think people wonder whether the Boyfriend and I aren't into some sort of S&M play. On a serious note I am going to get another tattoo on the inside of my left wrist and I could use that area healthy without ickle scratches everywhere! I'll obviously have to instil fear into them so that they freeze rather than fight to be released. Maybe i'll hit them on the head a few times. [i'm joking obviously] Oh and Ricky, who I now dub affectionately as Ricky The Eunoch is doing very well in the healing department.

Today I've also completed another nude sketch as shown above with thanks to a friend for finding me some suitable nudes online. You'd think that would be an easy job huh. But no. I don't do pron drawings. Unless I get paid. MWAHAH.

Meow

What is it about plastic bags that cats find appealing?
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Why little cat? Why must you a) lie ON something, b) lie On something ON my worktop, and c) choose plastic bags for your bed?
Crazy animal.
But cute.
Bless.

I'm off to see the boyf for the weekend soon. Off for my weekly dose of cuddles.

Oh and I tried to phone the kids again but still not answering. I left a message so hopefully I'll get a call back soon.

Gazing

Gazing
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

I went to see Harry Potter last night and to any Potter movie fans out there, it was brilliant. Up there with the Prisoner Of Azkaban..
Well done that director, whoever it was.
Finally some decent magical fight scenes.
I've still not started the new HP book yet. I've decided to read through Half Blood Prince again just to get the best possible experience by reading straight through to the last one.
Possibly a little sad, I am aware of this!

I drew this charcoal sketch today and am surprised at how handy a chamois is for charcoal drawings. Why did noone ever tell me? Is it like the best kept secret amongst artists ever?

In home life things are still odd. Looking to the future is horrible. I've had to look in my diary for a few reasons (a cast iron fireplace is being delivered woo) and the look of another vast week without the kids is awful. I'm definately only coping by getting through a day at a time. I don't know whether it would help or not, but i've tried to phone their dad to talk to them and find out how they are doing, but he didn't answer and hasn't returned my call.
I guess he is busy.

I forgot to mention something that I did accidentally a couple of weeks ago. I was dropping Middle Kid off at her end of year prom (at 8 years old too SIGH), when I attempted to be sociable to a mother at the gates whom I had one 'brew' with whilst our kids played together once. She's a nice girl, and I'm not afraid to admit that I could use a friend or two since moving up, so I feel it's important to make the effort. Except that I became flustered a little. Tried too hard to be casual and chat I suppose. Sometimes social gatherings take me right back to when I was 13 in Holland and trying to make friends with the kids that would bully me. Bygones! Anyway. So my big faux pas? I used the word Tizwoz in conversation. To someone who wasn't about to jump on a horse and go fox hunting. What was I thinking?

I expect to have some sort of cap up my ass any day now.

Things that make you go 'huh!'

Hey you know when weird things happen, coincidental things that make you go 'huh!'
Well they happen A LOT to me. Take just now for example.
I was driving back from dropping my mum off at work (her car is in the garage), when during her waffling that I was pretending to be interested in (well it was some scandal involving some member of the family somehow etc) I heard David Bowie's Ashes to Ashes playing quietly in the background. Well, that's not something you hear a lot these days huh? Mind you I was listening to (last) Century FM. And no it wasn't the cover version by that bird whom I can't recall at the mo.
Anyway, so I made a mental note, repeatedly muttering Ashes to Ashes over and over on the way back, because my memory has been letting me down somewhat lately. Got in, checked which album it was on, Best of Bowie, and then looked for it on something torrenty. During the googling, I found a YouTube video of the single, which almost put me off the song to be honest, but not quite.
Then, whilst Youtube was open I looked for some Never Mind The Buzzcocks episodes that I'd not yet seen. Well Simon Amstell IS a God is he not?
Very randomly Season 2 ep 5 seemed unfamiliar, so away I clicked on Part 1, settling in for a nice ten minutes of chuckling.
And then it happened.
During the intro for Dom Jolly....
They played Ashes to Ashes.

Now that's some fucked up shit right there that is.

But now a comedy interlude:
Russel Howard. My new comedy hero. (Youtube's embed was turned off so had to link only - sorry folks)
I am SO going to his standup near us in November. GENIUS!

Scarved Girl

Scarved Girl
Originally uploaded by La Beave.

Here is my story-
A little sad of soul, a little weary
Maybe I am that?
Will nobody love me?
Is an empty heart and a conscience all I have?
If i die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know

I was born in the springtime
Born of love and cradled in a misfit history
Of blind faith and pantomime
Oh, I know what I am but I don't see
So if I die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know

So if I die tonight, if I give up the fight
Will you do something for me?
So if I die toniight
Won't you do something for me?
Tell them my story, tell them well
Tell them everything you know
Won't you tell them my story?
Won't you tell them, tell them
Tell them everything about me
About me when I'm gone
When we're dead and gone
What will still be here?
What will carry on?
When we're dead and gone
When there's nothing left
What will still be here?

Nickindia - Nerina Pallot

One of the most beautiful and poignant songs I have heard in the last five years at least. I am in love with a song.
It's words are the reason I'm becoming an artist, the reason I write.
To not disappear into time, but leave something behind.
I want to still be here when I'm dead and gone and there's nothing left.
I want my children to look at the images I've created and see a piece of me in every one. Some resonate me. My moods, my inner thoughts, my expression.
Tonight I sketched Scarved Girl, and although it's similar to the photo reference, her expression has something of my inner thoughts and mood.

Give me a name, give me a soul.

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are A Weeping Willow Tree

You are a dreamer, and you're into almost any kind of escapism. Restless and capricious, you love to travel to exotic places. You are easily influenced by others, as long as they don't pressure you. You tend to suffer in love until you find that one loyal, steadfast partner. An empathetic friend, you love to make others smile and laugh.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Hello all and sundry.
Well my three weeuns have gone on holiday with their dad for awhile leaving me very unsettled and out of sorts. It's a yearly event, and they love it, but it's hard for me. Very hard. I've had the boyfriend to entertain me with his fying penis flinging over this weekend which I can honestly say was an eye opener as well as a distraction so that's been good.
But he's gone now. Back to the hum drum of week day life, and I'm here.
It's end of the college year, so I'm just in the house, but in theory I should be up to a million things while I have the free time alone. But I can't utilise the time efficiently when I'm willing it away. I'm just not in the right frame on mind I suppose.
I've been burrowing into the final of the Garth Nix Abhorsen trilogy this evening, and of course there's the final Harry Potter waiting for me afterwards [NO ONE SAY A WORD]. All decent escapism stuff.
I've also got a sketchbook to fill before the new college year, and a comprehensive study of 20th century art history to create. I'm not mentioning the interior decorating I've guilted myself into putting on the list. But I've encountered a snag on that front. I'm still suffering from varying degrees of vertigo which comes on more when I tilt my head a lot. I tried to get up a ladder and help the boyfriend paint my mum's dining room ceiling this weekend, and the motion of looking down at the tray, then up at the ceiling, whilst being up a height was enough to get me wobbling back down to firmer ground again. But I have a hallway ceiling to paint! My ceilings are 10+ high. DOH!
Having said that, I've just remembered that I've got some anti vertigo meds somewhere that make me drowzy but might just be the answer.
I went back to the doc about it all, because i've got this ringing in my ears like white noise and I 'think' my hearing is going. The last week I've noticed that I can't hear people on the phone very well at all. But the ear thing doesn't seem to be typical Menieres according to the doc. I don't know why. Possibly because it's going on for over a month and I get it most in the mornings after I've just got up, or when I do the head tilting thing. His doing a fasting blood test tomorrow testing me for everything under the sun. Even cholesterol which I've never had. Interesting stuff. Assuming blood wise I'm all fine, then it'll be more hospital appointments, but this time with the ENT peeps.
Anyhoo.

Why is the weather not improving yet? I've also got a crazy paving patio to lay damnit.

God.
I've turned middle aged!